Awkward!!

On several levels, this post is going to feature awkwardness. Firstly, I am terribly sorry and feel ridiculously awkward in the fact that I have not put a proper post up since the 18th of September!! All   I can say in my defence is that I have been either ill or busy revising for tests. I have had an illness that was so terrible that I did not rise from my bed for around two days.

Which brings me onto my next piece of awkwardness, this one concerning my tendency to get ill. I like to think that I lead a fairly healthy lifestyle - often cycling and nearly always active - but when it comes to illnesses, I am rather weak. Whenever I get stressed or worried, my health takes one hell of a battering. The most common thing that tends to happen is that I get what seems to be a kind of hybrid cold and stomach bug. It confines me to my bed and condemns me to a couple of days of hellish sinus-induced headaches, daydreams and reading in the dark. This does not embarrass me in the slightest, however.

What really bothers me is the return to school and the ramifications of my illnesses. There are some few (mostly a select number of teachers) who are understanding and believe me when I say that I am ill. The majority do not, unfortunately. I have lost count of the number of times I have been called a skiver or been accused of staying off school to avoid tests. 

It's true that I am often off school ill during the test season, but it isn't true that I stay off to avoid said tests. In fact, I have always had a desire to get anything bad over and done with as soon as possible. The truth is that the health of myself and every other Asperger's person I have met is intrinsically linked to our stress levels. Whenever I get a migraine, I know that I am getting stressed. The next thing to arise is feeling like I am about to faint whenever I stand up (I often pass out completely). Finally, the illness I described above happens. 

Though it gets very embarrassing when we get to the stage of my being called a skiver, we have yet to get to the awkwardness. That only arises when I (who prides myself on my honesty) snaps at the person who calls me a liar one too many times. That's when the silence becomes oppressive and so, so awkward. That's the moment when I wish that I could control my emotions or even just my tongue for a while...but I can't.

The final piece of embarrassment I am going to discuss with you is the awkwardness when you say or do something stupid. This is a trait that is not exclusively autistic (everyone gets it) but it does seem to  hit us autistics harder than most! To take an example: the other day I was going to get cash out of the machine at my local supermarket. There was a queue behind me so I was rushing. I battered in my PIN and got the money out...at which point I said thank you brightly and politely with a polite smile on my face before realising that I was talking to a machine. It's safe to say that I got a few odd looks from the people behind me in the queue. I can safely say that I have not felt so awkward in a long time!

I have learned to accept the embarrassing awkwardness that autism seems to usher in, I simply smile to myself and think that we all look like prats, I am simply not as good at hiding it. I then smile to myself and give the people who are looking at me funnily the most blank grin I can muster whilst I walk away. What? They were judging me anyway...I may as well give them a performance! Why don't we all do the same? Why don't we give the holier-than-thou judgers a performance? They clearly want a show of fools...and I for one am happy to give them what they want, and more.

In other news, I have been writing some poetry recently (after a few people told me I was good at it). I have in fact written a couple of poems based on autism. The link to my story writing profile is:
http://www.fictionpress.com/u/820156/Ink-Flows-Into-Power.
The autism poems are under the headings of "The Autism Series". Check them out and give me feedback on them if you like. Thank you!